The cocaine train, or: how I learned the world is run by coke heads

At a time when the stakes could not be higher, is it possible we're just one snort away from Armageddon?

At Collapse Life, we take our journalism pretty seriously. But sometimes the seedier corners of the internet are just too hard to resist. That’s where we found ourselves this weekend, indulging in the titillating tabloid-worthy antics of three men — world leaders — on a train, carousing like frat brothers on a Eurail backpack adventure.

Maybe it was a baggie of cocaine and a spoon? Maybe it was just a scrunched napkin and a bamboo cocktail skewer? Like so many internet memes, the truth is murky and made all the foggier by claims of AI deepfakes and ‘Russian disinformation.’ Whatever those men were doing, it certainly didn’t scream ‘global statecraft.’ It had more of an ‘afterparty in the dining car’ vibe.

So, here we are, left to wonder whether high stakes diplomacy is being influenced by white powder, or whether the twitchy, slurry, often odd behavior of today’s world leaders is just a physical manifestation of the tremendous pressure they’re under.

Have a look at this video compilation we quickly assembled from actual footage of politicians, and decide for yourself! (With special thanks for the theme song going to our boy from Ripley, Surrey — Mr. Eric Clapton.)

Honestly, the real scandal is that we even have to question this.

When the world teeters on the edge of multiple crises, with nuclear weapons at stake and millions of lives on the line, we deserve leaders who act like adults and take the moment — and themselves — seriously.

We understand that world leaders are under a lot of pressure. That’s not news.

Woodrow Wilson juggled a world war, a flu pandemic, and the collapse of empires without twitching in public. Churchill chain-smoked and drank like a fish, but still managed to rally his nation. FDR ran the free world from a wheelchair. Somehow these men understood something today's leaders have seemingly forgotten: if you need to fall apart, don’t do it in public.

So now, instead of gravitas we get jumpy hand gestures, slurry speeches, Adderall energy, and Starmer’s poorly-fitted Temu zippered sweater.

But hey — at least they’re relatable, right?

(For a lark, here’s the video that set the Interwebs ablaze this past weekend, in case you haven’t seen it.)

We apologize for the momentary lack of journalistic judgement. Do not adjust your computer, we’ll be back on Thursday with some real news.

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