When the sun gets eaten by the moon

From Sun Chips to MoonPies, the Great American Eclipse™ is more evidence we're living through a most idiotic time in human history.

Humans have been alternately fascinated and terrified by solar eclipses for millennia. From the Babylonians to the Maya, ancient peoples kept historical records of eclipses and tried to interpret their meaning. In 585 BCE, a solar eclipse halted a battle between the Lydians and the Medes, leading to a truce. Medieval Europeans often interpreted eclipses as signs from God or omens of impending disaster.

But this is 2024. So when future archaeologists look back at our ‘civilization’ they will surely note the importance of such novelties as “Brutality in the Totality.”

MoonPies, a cookie made of graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate, is marketing the eclipse as an epic WWE-style wrestling match between the sun and the moon. It’s said the moon makes people do strange things — watch the video below for the hilarious satire, but also as confirmation of the linkage between celestial movements and a tenuous hold on sanity.

According to MoonPies, “The sun doesn’t even have a snack.”

Frito Lay would beg to differ. It plans to launch two new eclipse flavors of SunChips (black bean spicy gouda and pineapple habanero) that will only be available on a special website for 4 minutes and 27 seconds on April 8 — during the eclipse.

Other brands were sure to get in on the fun, too. The Dallas Morning News programmed a special eclipse-themed Spotify playlist.

Southwest Airlines and Omni Hotels teamed up for what they called a ‘Solarbration’, offering a prize package that included seats on a flight predicted to be in the direct path of the April 8 total solar eclipse. Ironically, airlines are canceling all sorts of flights as a consequence of the eclipse, so maybe it’s not one of those?

Municipalities in the path of totality are preparing for record-breaking crowds, AAA is reminding people not to wear eclipse glasses while driving, and Hertz is reporting a 3000% increase in rental car bookings over 2023 for cities in the path of the eclipse. That’s to say nothing of the countless school closings in the name of ‘safety.’

In the small town of Llano, Texas, the mayor has asked residents to stock up with a week’s worth of food and fill up their gas tanks before the influx of visitors descends and cause shortages.

The Babylonians left behind cuneiform tablets showing careful predictions of the position of celestial bodies. A petroglyph carved in a rock in Colorado by early Pueblo people is said to resemble the sun’s outer atmosphere “with tangled protrusions looping off the edges.” The most we are likely to leave behind after the Great American Eclipse™ of 2024 is millions of paper and plastic eclipse glasses destined for landfills (only the cardboard can be recycled) across the path of totality.

That path, when mapped against an eclipse in October 2023 and one in August 2017, forms a unique pattern over the United States, which some see as a prophetic sign. Cycles analyst Cyrus D. Harding recently explained to Collapse Life that the three eclipses together form the Aleph and the Tav, the first and last letters of the Hebrew alphabet. These letters have particular significance in the Torah and suggest a beginning and an end. Harding says the message to America could be that the chance for national repentance is over.

Looking at how our country has turned a dramatic celestial event into one-part bacchanal and one-part marketing opportunity, one wonders whether there might be some merit to Harding’s argument.

---